Shame must change sides

Sometimes, yes all men

Dec 20, 2024

There have been numerous times this year when I have considered writing about the Pelicot case, but each time the overwhelming horror of it all has put me off. How to begin to grapple with a case that demonstrates in such ugliness the realities of men’s entitlement that breeds men’s violence against women?

Yesterday, all the men charged in the Pelicot case - that’s 51 - were found guilty. Ms Pelicot’s former husband, Dominique, was sentenced to 20 years in prison, meaning he will likely die behind bars.

I think it is worth posting Gisèle Pelicot’s statement in response to the verdicts in full:

Like I say, I have tried and failed to write about this case. I have barely posted about it on social media. Because whenever I try and express how this case has made me feel, it is like a screaming anger that starts in my stomach and gets stuck in my throat. Anger at the husband who orchestrated the rapes and then gaslit his victim into believing she was ill. Anger at the men who lined up to rape a woman, who did not ask if she was ok, if she was consenting, if she was safe. Who did not go to the police. Who looked at an unconscious woman, and raped her. Who let a man hold her mouth open, so they could orally rape her. Who then went home to their wives, their daughters, their lives, having enjoyed a night of rape. Anger at the makers of websites that allow men to sign up to rape women.

But most of all, anger at the whole horrific culture that tells men - yes, all men - that they are entitled to women’s bodies. That does not mean that all men believe they are entitled to women’s bodies, nor does it mean that all men would commit these horrendous acts if they thought they could get away with it. Of course not. But all men live in a culture that excuses, denies, normalises and sexualises violence against women. And all women have to live with that. That matters.

If you go on a mainstream porn website, you are attacked with videos of men abusing women. Incest porn is all the rage, as is porn where men use nasty abusive terms about women – referring to women as sluts, for example, or videos where women look like they are going to cry. Men are growing up associating the most intensely pleasurable feeling we get to enjoy with coercion, degradation and violence. This is a massive problem. A porn culture that tells men they are entitled to women’s bodies, that women’s bodies are objects to fuck, use and abuse is toxic.

Dominique Pelicot turned his porn fantasies into reality using the unconscious body of his wife. He became the porn director: filming men raping his wife, men who gave a thumbs up to the camera. This is what a pornsick culture does to women.

No one likes to talk about this. No one likes to think that porn has an impact on men’s attitudes towards women and yet, how can it not? How can it not have an impact on men if they are orgasming to women being abused?

No one likes to talk about, either, how for too many people watching, they don’t really know the circumstances in which the film is being made. Worse, I think a lot of men don’t care if the woman they are watching is consenting or not, and some men actively get off on it. In the Pelicot case, the rapists tried to say that they thought it was all consensual – but none of them bothered to check. None of them bothered to ask if she was ok, to see if she was really consenting. Because they didn’t care.

So I am angry about a pornified culture that grooms men into thinking they have a right to women’s bodies, and is teaching men to associate violence, coercion and rape with sexual pleasure.

Then there is the horror.

So many women I have spoken to over the past few months about this case have shared the same horror: that we don’t know which men are safe, that this case shows how we can never know who the good guys are.

I know this is hard for men to hear. I can hear the outraged gasps of the world’s “good guys”, asking how I dare to suggest they are not safe. Again, to be clear, not all men.

But how are we to know? The man who raped Ms Pelicot and then chatted to her as she did her shopping – he was not safe and yet he behaved in a completely normal and polite way when seeing her out and about.

In a small region of France, more than 50 men volunteered to rape an unconscious woman. She estimates the number is much higher – closer to 200. These men are not monsters. They don’t have “I’m a fucking rapist” tattooed on their forehead. These were ordinary men – because too many ordinary men hate women. Too many ordinary men want to rape women. Too many ordinary men will rape women if they think they can get away with it.

And I am sorry, but I have seen too many men respond to this case by diving into women’s discussions and yelling “not all men”. Who insist on their outrage at this case and refer to these rapists as “monsters”. Like I say, of course not all men. But can you stop for a moment and think about why women are having these conversations – about why we are trying to tell you that it’s not about monsters, it’s about ordinary men, men who will be polite to you in public, and rape you at night. Can you stop, and think about how it feels to understand this, to understand that we cannot know. That at least 50 men in one region volunteered to rape an unconscious woman, and all they have in common is that they are ordinary men.

If you are one of the world’s good guys reading this: ask yourself, did you ever push it? Did you ever do something you know made her uncomfortable but did it anyway? Did you ever ask for something, push the boundary, spring a surprise? Did you ever do the thing she didn’t want to do, then leave her confused by saying it was consensual? Did you, because you knew you could?

Maybe you didn’t. Good, I hope that’s the case. But ask any woman, and she will probably have a story where a man did just that. It’s amazing how many women have those stories, and how many men say they don’t.

How are women meant to live with this knowledge? We lie to ourselves to bear it. Then a case like this comes along and rips down all the lies, exposes what we hate to know: that too many men hate women, and we don’t know how much they hate us until it’s too late.

Of course, hashtag not all men. Not all men hate women. The problem is that too many men do, and we live in a culture that celebrates this violence and hate. A rapist is going to be the most powerful man in the world from January. Again.

Obligatory book plug

Now, listen. I don’t want to boast. But recently it seems that a lot of people have woken up to what I have been saying for years: that attacks on abortion rights are part of a wider far right attack on progress and human rights. This means that whenever I post about abortion on Bluesky, I get lots of men mansplaining my book thesis to me.

So please, stop doing that and read my book instead. I was ahead of the curve on this guys, when you were still telling me that I was hysterical to think Roe would go!

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